Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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