i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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