hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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