i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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