Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
