Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Someone came in the potted fern
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
