Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
