I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
