U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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