Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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