She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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