North Korea, Best Korea!
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
