smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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