I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
