Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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