last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
