haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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