When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
