He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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