so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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