I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
