i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
