i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
nutella sex= disaster
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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