Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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