I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
