I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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