were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
