There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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