I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
