im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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