now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
