i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
