I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
