Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
