Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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