shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
