Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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