No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
