Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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