After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
