On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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