Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
