I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
