Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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