I cannot find my penis.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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