how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
