why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
