Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It's blow job season.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
