you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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