Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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