Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
