This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
