A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A+ Viking dick
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
